The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit

I was ordering a book the other day on Amazon.com to help me pass my notary public test. At the bottom of the screen Amazon has books that they recommend I purchase also. The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit was one of them. I thought it was hilarious so I bought it along with the notary public book. The book is described as "An A to Z Lexicon of Empty, Enraging, and Just Plain Stupid Office Talk". For all of those who have worked in an office you will find this entertaining. Here are a few of my favorite definitions so far:

Lunch:

1. Midday meal

2. The company-sanctioned period during which you are allowed to leave the building in the name of eating food, but often don't and instead eat in front of your computer out of a cardboard box provided by the cafeteria.

3. If someone asks you to "lunch", they could want any number of things: to pump you for information; talk to you in the hope you can give them a job; talk to you in hope they can hire you away from your current employer; create a friendly relationship with you that you wll serve them in the arena of office politics/create an alliance with you so that they can screw someone else or just bitch off the record.

Boss: 1. A supervisor

2. A person, who through change, a cruel twist of fate, etc., has authority over you and the ability to control you, tell you waht to do, and make you feel like shit, simply because they hired you (i.e., not because they are smarter or can do a better job than you-in fact they may have hired you so you can do their job for them).

3. A person who, during the interview process and you first few days on the job, you covince yourself into thinking is "pretty cool", an idea you get over pretty fast

FYI e-mail:

1. An e-mail sent with the goal of making someone aware of a useful piece of information.

2. An e-mail you send to your boss to serve as evidence that you are working, or more often to give the impression you are working

3. A nastygram received with the alleged purpose of making you aware of a usefull piece of information but is really a way of bitch-slapping you, telling you you screwed up, chipping away at your spirit, depending on the level of humiliation and public floggin the sender would like to inflict, may include a cc.

Office:

1. A room in which an employee conducts official business five days a week.

2. Object of fierce and petty office politics, such as who gets one, who gets one with a window, who gets one in a corner, who is moved out of a cube into one, who has to share one, etc.

3. Possible saving grace, as it provideds employees with some degree of insulation from coworkers and the ability to shut the door to do work on a resume, conduct a job interview over the phone, or have a nervous break down.

4. A place where people engaged in an office romance have sex.

Thanks:

1. An expression of gratitude.

2. Spoken or written by senior staffers when they are given an order; not really a phrase of appreciation or a favor or job done, but a way of punctuating a demand and ending a discussion that never was a discussion in the first place.

3. A subtle bitch-slap in the form of a pleasantry, e.g., "If you are going to be away from your desk for more than fifteen minutes, you need to let me know. Thanks", "That report needs to be completed by Monday first thing. Thanks", "Going forward, I need you to make filing of my personal bills your top priority. Thanks".